Wednesday, July 9, 2008, 12:41 am
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Actuarial Humor
A wise person once said, "It's healthy to laugh at yourself once in a while". Well, that person was NOT ME!
A Lawyer, Accountant, & Actuary A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover.
The lawyer says a lover because it's legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover.
The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse.
The actuary says it's better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you're with the other, and then go to the office to do some work.
Actuaries Like to Have Fun... Actuaries like to have fun ... when nobody is watching.
An Accountant, Engineer & Actuary The accountant, engineer and actuary were asked what they made the sum of 2 plus 2:
The accountant said "Four"
The engineer pulled out his calculator "I agree, to 8 decimal places".
The actuary said "What would you like it to equal?"
What's Your Number? An actuary is in a bar when a woman asks for his phone number.
He stops to think for a moment and then replies, "I'm sorry, I've seen so many numbers today. I just can't remember the exact number, but I can probably estimate it to within 10%.
Commuatation Functions Commutation function: an actuary driving to work.
Consulting Actuary A consulting actuary is a person who, when asked what time it is, tells you how to build a watch.
Dear Dr. Ruth Dear Dr Ruth, I have a problem which I hope you can help me with. My mother and father are divorced. I have one brother who is an actuary in London. My other brother is serving his second prison sentence for rape. My mother is 8 months pregnant by the neighbour next door and he refuses to marry her. My two sisters work the streets and hotels at night. My father lives off their earnings. Recently I met a very attractive girl, who is an ex-prostitute, and whom I love. She has three lovely children - one black, one Asian and one white.
The problem is this, Dr Ruth; should I tell my girl about my brother being an actuary?
Definition of CPA Can't Pass Actuarial exams.
Definition of EA Estimation The actuarial EA method of estimation: Atmospeheric Extraction. (I got that one out of thin air.)
Definition of IBNR In there, But Not Really.
Differentiating Actuaries Question: How do you differentiate an Actuary?
Answer: dActuary/dx.
Duck Hunting Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the right. So they give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.
Expectations An actuary is someone who expects everyone to be dead on time.
Flying Safely An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
God and Actuaries What did God say when he created Actuaries? He scratched his head and said, "Go figure!"
Well... they took it literally!
How Tough are Actuarial Exams? The following link will take you to a morsel of entertainment that has been floating around Actuarial circles for quite some time.
Final Exam - Chairmanship
Illiteracy Tax Non-actuary: "I have a great idea to improve the education level in our country. In order to get people off welfare, let's pass a tax on illiteracy. Anyone who grows up without knowing how to read will have to pay a special tax. That way, everyone will have a financial incentive to stay in school and be productive members of society."
Actuary: "I don't think your plan will work. As an actuary, I must point out that we already have a tax for the mathematically inept, and it doesn't seem to work. It's called 'Powerball'!"
Live on the Edge One actuary to another: "Come on, man, live on the edge; test at 0% level of significance."
Novels Question: Why don't actuaries read novels?
Answer: The only numbers to read are page numbers.
Old Actuaries Old actuaries never die --they just get broken down by age and sex.
Pricing Actuary Question: How can you tell when a pricing actuary is getting soft?
Answer: When he or she actually LISTENS to Marketing before saying "No".
Senility Insurance Coverage A life actuary designed a new coverage "Senility Insurance". He expected low claims because if you remember that you have a policy, it's proof that you are not senile.
St. Peter and the Consultant A consulting actuary dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter and a crowd of well-wishers. St. Peter says, "Congratulations. You're the oldest person ever to come to these gates."
The consultant says, "But I was only 50 when I died."
St. Peter replies, "Really? Your billings far over-estimate that figure!"
The Sentence Question: What sentence did the actuary receive for first degree murder?
Answer: Twenty years certain and life thereafter.
Three Actuaries on a Train A group of lawyers and a group of actuaries are travelling by train to conferences in the same city. The lawyers were surprised to see that the actuaries had only bought one train ticket for the entire group.
When the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the actuaries got up and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor went down the aisle, the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets. Then he came to the bathroom and he said, "Ticket, please." But only one ticket slid out, which the conductor dutifully punched and went on his way.
So, on the return trip home, the lawyers thought they'd try the same trick. However, this time they noticed that the actuaries had not bought any train tickets.
As the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom. Then one of the actuaries walked over to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket, please."
Three Kinds Actuary talking: "There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can't."
Where to Bury an Actuary Question: Why did the actuary put in his will that he is to be buried in Israel?
Answer: Burial at that location has a higher probability of resurrection.
Fifty Ways to Fail an Exam Click on the following link for some colorful ideas:
50 Ways to Fail an Actuarial Exam with Style
(Tune: "On, Wisconsin!")
Actuaries, actuaries,
Forward to the task!
Flags unfurled, we'll show the world,
That we're the ones to ask.
Make them need us; make them heed us,
To avoid all ills.
Make them appreciate our,
Wondrous skills.
Actuaries, actuaries,
Let the good times come!
Show some gumption with assumptions;
Don't be always glum.
Optimism in your prism,
Makes folks happier.
Yes, you can get the answer,
They prefer.
Actuaries, actuaries,
Have the greatest job.
On my word, I've never heard,
An actuary sob.
That's quite nice, but there's a price;
Here's our end of the deal:
Look no less good than you,
Desire to feel.
(Tune: "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes")
They ask me how I know,
All those things are so.
I, of course, then say,
"Any F.S.A.*
Knows things are that way.
If you just take a look,
At the exams we took,
You will recognize,
That it's no surprise,
Folks say we're so wise."
We're adept,
At gauging the effect,
Of any old decrement,
Though in vain,
We may try to explain,
Just what the heck we meant.
Luckily, that's no flaw.
Since we're held in awe,
No one dares to doubt,
Anything we spout;
That's what it's about.
People from far and near,
Stand in line to hear,
Our familiar strain:
Sometimes short-term gain,
Leads to long-term pain.
Folks object,
If we let our projec-
Tions vary too drastically.
Still, it's fun,
To make the numbers run,
Around stochastically.
Ask us about these things,
And your question brings,
Erudite replies.
Yes, it's no surprise,
Folks say we're so wise.
* or "A.S.A.," at the singer's option